Have you had a look at Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest relationship advice?
You’ll be unsurprised to learn I have not.
Would you like to?
Er…
It’s designed to find out whether a man is great husband material or not.
What if Paltrow tells me I’ve picked a dud?
There’s only one way to find out. Question one: is he your best friend?
No. That’s Janice.
Gwyneth with husband Brad Falchuk
OK, but is he near the top of the list?
If you don’t count the choir, the book group, the yoga class, that woman at Tuesday-night crochet club, the nice girl on the checkout at Co-op, the…
Let’s move on. Does he calm your nervous system down?
Not when he’s interacting with the dishwasher.
Do you always think he’s the smartest guy in the room?
I refer you to my previous answer.
Do the two of you have good chemistry?
I don’t bring him out in hives, if that’s what you mean.
Does he like oysters?
Those do bring him out in hives. Next question?
That’s it.
Well, it’s certainly an exhaustive assessment. Did Gwyneth use it to find her latest husband, Brad Falchuk?
The Instagram Q&A where she recently shared this advice doesn’t say.
Does she do marriage guidance now, then? I thought the Goop boss’s shtick was ‘orifices I have had steam-cleaned’.
She goes there too, but her fans really love the relationship stuff.
What are they saying?
‘To me this is Moses coming down from Mount Sinai with those stone tablets,’ enthused one follower (in a tweet that gained 8.4k likes). ‘This is what the angel told Mary,’ offered another.
Sadly, that theological question remains unanswered.
Which theological question is that?
How to tell if a guy is ideal marriage material? Gwyneth says he must like oysters
Whether Joseph knew about oysters before he met Mary.
I’ll tell you who does know about oysters: Richard ‘Hamster’ Hammond.
Sorry?
As in, whether there are any in the Hammond family fridge.
Are you telling me that the Grand Tour presenter also thinks he has the key to relationship bliss – only his is based on perishable foodstuffs?
Exactly! ‘It’s not… treating yourself to a night in a hotel,’ explained Hammond, 54, in a recent Telegraph interview.
Do tell…
‘It’s going to the supermarket. Stay connected at that level, know what’s in the fridge, know what cleaning products you use in the house.’
Richard Hammond is keeping the dream alive with Cillit Bang?
What has now been dubbed ‘the Hamster test’ has kept Hammond’s marriage on track for 22 years.
And what’s his wife Mindy got to say on the matter?
Nothing.
Maybe she’s waiting for him to stop swooning over the Domestos and take her for a night in a hotel.
One Telegraph reader going by the name of ‘Scribbler Zen’ thought that he might use Hammond’s advice for chat-up line inspiration.
Go on…
‘OK I am old and fat but I have memorised the contents of my fridge.’
Best of luck to Mr Zen.
In fact Hammond isn’t the only celebrity to extol the virtues of domestic compatibility in choosing a mate.
Who else is at it?
Bridgerton actress Claudia Jessie (who plays Eloise) shared her wisdom while publicising the latest season of the saucy regency drama.
I thought the criterion for finding love Bridgerton-style was: ‘Can I do it in a steamed-up carriage without the grooms noticing?’
Well in this regard, thinks Jessie, life doesn’t imitate art: ‘The majority of your life is going to be figuring out domestic things and that’s really not sexy.’
She’s not wrong.
‘But it’s…a massive part of life,’ she added, for lotharios still refusing to get acquainted with the contents of the cupboard under the sink.
Pass the Domestos.
