Q I am a gay woman of 61 and have been in a loving relationship for ten years. However, I have never told my parents because of their homophobia. I was even married for a few years while in denial (probably to please them) but, of course, it didn’t work. We never had children.
My father died six years ago and I’m not close to my mother, who is 93. She was never easy – strict, critical and with unpalatable views. My sister (straight, married with kids) keeps her at arm’s length, too. But I’ve worked hard at keeping things cordial because I know my mother is not a bad person at heart – she had difficult parents herself.
Recently, though, she has said that she has failed me and wishes she’d been less strict. She thinks that I haven’t had a relationship since my divorce and wants to see me happy before she dies. I don’t know what to say. I wonder even if she has finally worked out that I am a lesbian.
I very much want to tell her the truth – that I am blissfully happy with my partner – but I worry it will backfire. I’d hate her to be so furious that she wants nothing to do with me and dies without reconciliation.
A I am so sorry you had such strict and disapproving parents that you had to grow up denying your sexuality – even, it seems, to yourself. This is a difficult situation because, sadly, you have always been frightened of your parents’ criticisms and are still walking on eggshells.
I do wonder if your mother was under your father’s thumb, too, perhaps echoing the pattern of her own strict childhood. This softening in old age – and since your father’s death – could indicate she was influenced by him.
Ideally, it would help you if you could tell her about your sexuality and introduce her to your lovely partner. But I can understand your fears. Yes, it is fraught with danger so tread carefully. Like you, I wonder if she has worked out that you are a lesbian. If you live with your partner, she would surely know unless she has never visited your home. Are you close to your sister? I hope that the shared difficulties of your childhoods have brought you closer together. Perhaps your sister has dropped a hint in an attempt to prepare the ground for you. Even if this is not the case, I think the best way in is through your sibling.
Ask her, if you can, to gently find out if your mother still holds the same views or seems to be more accepting. Perhaps she could even mention your apparent lack of relationship and ask how your mother would feel if you were gay. Hopefully, your sister would be able to gauge from this what your mother’s likely reaction would be, and then you would know if it was safe for you to open up to her about this very important part of your life.
THE MENOPAUSE HAS KILLED MY SEX DRIVE
Q I am 51 and thought I was coping with the menopause until my husband pointed out that I often seem anxious and short-tempered, and I am like a furnace in bed. He is also miserable about the decline in our love life – most of the time I simply have no interest in sex. So, slightly reluctantly, I’ve started taking HRT. I have to admit I do feel better – and both of us are getting a better night’s sleep. However, I still have no sex drive. I love my husband and he has been kind and patient but I just don’t seem to have a libido and I remain exhausted. I am worried that it will never change.
A A lack of sex drive is sadly common at menopause, and its causes can be psychological as well as physical. Your marriage sounds strong and secure, which suggests there could be other, physical causes behind this loss of libido. As well as oestrogen and progesterone, women produce testosterone, and low levels have been linked with a total loss of libido. A testosterone cream for women, Androfeme, has been licensed in Australia (and may be acquired here through a private prescription), but its use and similar therapies are controversial – and should only be undertaken following specialist guidance. (Never buy testosterone for men from the internet.)
Ask your GP for a blood test and a referral to a gynaecologist to discuss your concerns. Do also contact menopausesupport.co.uk for advice. It is worth noting, too, that you might have built up anxiety around not wanting sex due to the problems you’ve encountered. If things don’t improve, perhaps find a sex and relationships therapist through cosrt.org.uk.
