Q I’m a woman in my 40s and I’m worried about a good friend of mine who I’ve known since university. He seems to be struggling to cope after his wife took off and left him with the children. I’m also concerned that they will be affected by his bitterness towards his ex. She seemed great when they first got together – fun, pretty, vivacious – but I now think she was a gold-digger. Everything was fine until they had their first child. She then began moaning that they didn’t go on exotic holidays any more, and things got worse after their second child was born.
A year ago, she left him suddenly for a wealthy man. My friend now hates his ex, doesn’t want her back and is trying to make her life as difficult as possible. He refuses to speak to her when she is collecting or dropping off the children. I think he’s also fighting her over money. I understand how furious he is, but I’m worried that it’s affecting the kids. His eldest, who is 11, seems subdued. I have tried to talk to my friend, but he refuses to let go of his anger. I even wondered whether I should try talking to his ex-wife about it all – though she has never been fond of me; jealousy, perhaps, but I’m happily married, so was never a threat.
A Your friend’s ex-wife does sound materialistic and selfish! If not having exotic holidays was our only worry, life would be a breeze. How sad she wasn’t able to put the children first. It can be difficult supporting someone who is intent on a particular path – and your friend sounds as if he has invested all his energies on revenge, which is blinding him to a more sensible choice.
I think you already know that talking to his ex is not a good idea. While she may not see you as a sexual threat, she could well have been jealous of your emotional closeness. Moreover, she doesn’t sound trustworthy and would doubtless twist your words. He would see it as a huge betrayal when your intervention inevitably got back to him.
Some would say it’s not wise to interfere, but I agree that his drive for revenge could harm his children. You have tried to talk to him but I suspect you might have done this gently. Because you are a trusted, long-standing friend, you can risk being more insistent. So explain that you are worried, particularly about his eldest child; that you completely understand his anger – you feel it for him, too – but that ultimately it will only hurt him and his children. He needs to find a way to hide his bitterness in front of them.
Try persuading him to contact divorce.wikivorce.com or amicable.io to discuss attempting mediation and a less confrontational split. You are a good friend and I hope he’ll listen. Meanwhile, I doubt that his ex-wife’s new relationship will last.
I’M SHOCKED BY WHAT I FOUND ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Q I work three days a week in a small office and needed to go into a meeting recently on a day when I wouldn’t normally have been in. Logging on to one of the computers I share, I found a porn site open. My colleague must have been watching it the evening before and forgotten to close it, not realising I would be in the following day. It was nothing illegal but, even so, it’s clearly against office rules and I’m a bit creeped out. He seems like a nice guy, although I’m now seeing him as sleazy. I don’t know if I should talk to him about how uncomfortable it made me or go to my boss.
A I’m not a fan of porn. While at the softer end it can be harmless to view, it can nevertheless be exploitative of the ‘actors’ who are taking part in it. Addiction to it can ruin relationships. What’s more, porn is also now so prolific that it is affecting the way young men view sex, colouring their attitudes towards how women should act and look, which I find concerning. So I understand why you think differently about your colleague. But leaving aside the moral rights and wrongs, it is clearly against office rules to be watching porn on a work computer.
I wonder if perhaps your colleague didn’t close the browser because he wanted you to see it. You don’t know how he will react if you talk to him and it’s better not to put yourself in that position. So I think you should go to your boss, but ask for their assurance that they will not tell your colleague that the information originated from you. IT support could have ‘accidentally’ discovered it while doing some digital housekeeping.
If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X @Ask_Caroline_
Caroline reads all your letters but regrets she cannot answer each one personally
