Q Our lovely son, who has just turned 31, doesn’t have any friends or a girlfriend. He is still living with us, though he is saving to buy his own place. I have encouraged him to join clubs with a view to meeting people, but these haven’t worked. He doesn’t appear sad or depressed about it, though last week when we took him out for dinner on his birthday he was grateful because he said it was better than a table for one. This is the only time he has mentioned being alone.
When he was younger, he didn’t have many friends but that didn’t stop him going to university, where he got a first in an academic subject. While there, he was diagnosed with dyspraxia and dyslexia. He wanted to carry on studying, although that fell through when he couldn’t find a job to pay his way.
He is close to his sister, but she is married and lives many miles away. I hoped that he would see more of his cousins who live nearby, but they are married and have busy lives. He now works for the civil service, but doesn’t socialise much outside the office. I’ve talked to him about using dating apps, though I doubt he has done anything about it. I find it heartbreaking but it doesn’t seem to bother my son. Am I worrying too much?
A It is so difficult as parents to see our children struggling. Sadly, some people find it hard to make friends. You say that your son doesn’t seem sad or depressed, but he did acknowledge that he would have been lonely on his birthday if it hadn’t been for you and your husband. So it may be worth asking him directly.
Is there anything that you can think of that might stop him making friends? For instance, does he suffer from social anxiety? Sometimes people can talk far too much when anxious or nervous. Others might think they need to impress by talking about themselves or their achievements when, in fact, the best way to make friends is to listen to and show an interest in the other person.
I wonder, too, if your son could be on the autistic spectrum. Dyspraxia and dyslexia can be indications of this, as can isolation because of a difficulty fitting in. Sufferers of autism spectrum disorder can often be loyal, honest, kind and funny – so are wonderful to have as friends. However, they often have difficulty ‘reading’ people and the constant struggle to work out what others think can make it hard to establish deep friendships.
Contact the National Autistic Society (autism.org.uk) and Ambitious About Autism (ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk) to find out more. Your son might also benefit from counselling (through relate.org.uk or bacp.co.uk), which could help build up his confidence to expand his social network.
I wasn’t invited to my mother’s funeral
Q I have a loving wife, children and grandchildren but I have a troubled relationship with my original family, which has culminated in me feeling sidelined and angry following my mother’s death. My mum was always close to my sister, yet I was the one who did all the donkey work if she needed help. My wife said I was being used.
Many years ago I was injured in a serious accident and, after a few weeks, my mother wanted my help as usual, which I was unable to give. She never rang back or asked how my injuries were. My wife was appalled. A few years later, a friend sent me the local paper. My mother’s name was in the ‘In Memoriam’ section, with a message from my sister thanking people who had attended her cremation three weeks earlier.
I was never even informed. I haven’t seen my sister since.
A It must be devastating to have found out about your mother’s death in this way – and to have had no chance to go to her funeral. From your longer letter, it sounds as though your sister has always been difficult and your mother was selfish. Her reaction after you were involved in an accident is devoid of maternal love.
But it is important to emphasise that your mother let you down not because of anything you have done wrong or through any fault in you, but because of her own failure and inability to love. Sometimes this is because of damage in someone’s own past. Perhaps her parents were unable to express love.
I also think that your sister has been jealous. You cannot change the past, but please remind yourself how loved you are by your wife and children – and take comfort from that.
If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_
Caroline reads all your letters but regrets she cannot answer each one personally
